The Cow And I

The People Have Spoken

A while back, soon after Guy’s withdrawal from BeefStakes and his escape to the French countryside, I was feeling quite desperate. And why shouldn’t I have been? Having never before dedicated myself so completely to fulfilling a New Year’s resolution, having never before put my health and reputation on the line for the sake of an admittedly insane competition, indeed having never before murdered a large mammal with my own hands in pursuit of personal glory, I wasn’t particularly happy to see BeefStakes go down the tubes. Can you blame me?

So I did what any reasonable person would do in my situation. I asked for help. And who better to appeal to Guy’s misguided sense of justice and fairness than our fans?

THE LETTER

Dear Friends:

I continue to ache from the grievous blow inflicted upon me by my opponent last month. I am referring, of course, to his untimely decision to withdraw from BeefStakes, all of our innumerable past beef meals, indigestion, and constipated bowel movements notwithstanding. It's with a heavy heart that I read his decision. It's with an even heavier heart that I confess to you the sad truth that time hasn't healed my wound. My psychological gash is open and bleeding, much like the neck of my Young Belted Galloway whom I sent to death, with my own hand, in pursuit of what I saw as a heroic undertaking.

But enough about me. Now that I've had time to collect my thoughts since Guy's decision, I've been able to find perspective on its consequences. The real victim isn't me, it's not really my Young Belted Galloway (he would've eventually been slaughtered anyway), it's you, our numerous fans. I grieve for your lost opportunity to wake up, log on, and laugh, cry, and - indeed - rekindle hope in your hearts when visiting our Contest Website. Yes, I feel your pain.

This contest is bigger than us, Guy and I. He should know this. He and I have responsibilities to you, our fans, and to the very idea of Beef. But he has let you all down, particularly in light of new information that has come to my attention. You all know that he has cited Max's alleged judicial treachery as the principal reason for his cop-out from BeefStakes (he has refused my offer to submit the matter to an independent, 3rd party arbitrator). Were that the long and short of it, I would perhaps be content to let the matter rest. However, I have uncovered a shocking plot hatched by my opponent, consisting of a series of nefarious maneuvers, that shows Guy's withdrawal in an altogether new light. In the next few days and weeks, when you visit my blog (in contrast to my opponent's, which has been withdrawn altogether), you will be surprised to learn all about Guy's acts of supreme hypocrisy. You be the judge.

I write to you today to ask for your help. Despite the fact that Guy has appeared to wash his hands of the whole competition, I haven't given up all hope of re-sparking our combat. I ask you to share with me, by email, your frank, honest, and complete thoughts about Guy's decision. How does it make you feel? Is BeefStakes worth saving? Do you feel an emptiness? Is Guy, daresay, a weenie for pulling the plug? I intend to incorporate your comments (anonymously if you wish it so) into an upcoming entry in order to provoke a response from my opponent. When he returns from his internet-deprived hamlet in France, he'll in all likelihood feel the need to at least renew the debate (if not sit down with a steak) when faced with a hundred voices crying out in unison. Please give me a few minutes of your time over the next few days. Your shared feelings may make all the difference. But you'll never know if you don't try.

Incidentally, I have not stopped eating beef. Max has declared that one opponent's withdrawal is not contemplated in the Rules. The opponent who has consumed the most beef by year's end is the winner, even if the other is dead. Thus, I intend to continue, whether or not my opponent re-enters the BeefSteaks fray. And I intend to win.

Thanks for your support.

Expectantly yours,
Eric Waggoner

Quite frankly, I didn’t expect a peep out of anyone. In fact, I anticipated to be greeted with cold silence. Not just from the few hardened Guy loyalists out there in cyberspace, but everyone who has looked in on the contest over the past 10 months. Even with my guarantee of anonymity, I predicted that our fans would just sit back, keep their thoughts to themselves, and watch the drama unfold from a safe distance. I hoped I was wrong.

I was wrong.

THE RESPONSES

I’m pretty sad that BeefStakes is over (?). It was like a favorite TV show, cancelled in mid-season. As to Guy’s justification: I can’t really blame him if his real reason is health-related. But I’m unconvinced by his argument that he’s been the victim of some kind of unforgivable offense. From what I can tell, both of you (and Max) have been dealing each other under-handed blows the entire duration of the contest. To call Max’s offense any greater than the rest is really pushing it. Perhaps he’ll come to his senses after he’s gotten sick of eating French cheese every meal.
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous – thanks for your thoughtful note. I do think Guy is probably sick of eating French cheese by now. The other day he told me, in one of his rare phone calls from wherever he is, that one of the cheeses he’d picked up at market was oozing cream. Like puss. Beef doesn’t usually do that.

Eric, you’re judging Guy a bit harshly if indeed he has some kind of medical problem that would prevent his continued participation in the competition. His privacy is important, so you’ll just have to trust him. (If that’s even possible, after all of what’s gone on between you two.) His complaint about Max is pure bullshit though. I’ve read the rules and there’s nothing suggesting the judge can’t share information as he so chooses. But it looks like Guy’s made up his mind. Good luck trying to convince him otherwise. Maybe you can offer him some of your Young Belted Galloway!
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous – it was a pleasure reading your letter, particularly your helpful suggestion that I offer Guy a taste of my Young Belted Galloway. As luck would have it, Guy is planning to visit me later this month while visiting the US. Guess who’s on the menu? That’s right: my fine, furry friend from the freezer. I’m serving Guy this hand-slaughtered delicacy with no strings attached. But I’m hoping that my goodwill may win him over. After all, it’s very good beef.

Both of you guys are acting like a bunch of sissies. But Guy has every right to forfeit if he wants to, just as you have the right to declare victory at the end (if you’ve eaten more beef that is…).
- A Friend

Dear Friend – While I disagree that our behavior is sissified (what could be more heroic than eating over 250 lbs of beef in 10 months?), I do agree that I have the right to declare victory if I’ve eaten more beef by the New Year. Just as you have the right to attend my coronation, should one take place.

This whole competition is a farce. But that’s the beauty of it. I have enjoyed the ludicrous scheming – from both of you – since the Springtime, and I had hoped it would continue until the end of the year. What a let-down! Basically, I don’t understand why Max’s revelation of the secret log’s existence, and your decision to act on that information, constitutes a greater crime than any of your previous tricks. Too bad Guy doesn’t have a taste for it now that the finish line is just up ahead. I was hoping for some end-of-the-year excitement.
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous – This competition is most certainly not a farce. It is a noble pursuit. But I share your opinion that Max’s crime was no greater than any other act of deceit perpetrated throughout the duration of the contest. I do hope to be able to provide you with some end-of-the-year excitement, even if it is a one-man contest at that point. Who knows. Maybe I’ll shoot beef out of a potato gun.

I do hope Guy changes his mind. But I can’t judge him. I can’t judge you. A lot of trickery has occurred on both sides, from my vantage point (what’s this about a “nefarious plot”, anyway?). None worse than the rest. So all I can do is wish you the best of luck in trying to change his mind. He’s seems like a very stubborn person, from what I can tell.
- R.A.

Dear R.A. – You’re absolutely right. The only one who can judge me, and judge Guy, is the Judge himself. And it’s most certainly not our position to judge him. And I still wonder how Guy mustered up the gumption to do so - I’ve never seen a clearer act of civil disobedience in all of my years! Max took it all pretty stoically, to his credit. As for Guy’s nefarious plot, I plan to reveal that shortly. It will curdle your blood like a Yorkshire pudding. Please stay tuned.

So, there you have it. I hope Guy has an opportunity to reflect on the various points of view expressed by our fans. Perhaps he might change his position, perhaps not. But at the end of it, I can say I tried my best to appeal to his better judgment, as have you, our fans. And for that, I thank you.

Oh, my Young Belted Galloway sends his regards as well.

Posted by eric at November 10, 2004 02:47 PM