The Cow And I

Undeniable Logic?

My opponent takes great pains to illustrate that I am a great deceiver, a snake in the grass, a pernicious withholder of precious beef weight. This is almost as ill-conceived a notion as his decision to turn his ass into a temporary water fountain.

In fact, his claim is downright cheesy.

Allow me to explain. Admittedly, Guy's expertly rendered graphs do appear to show a significant reduction in my meat consumption around the time I purchased my honkin' big Weber Genesis Silver gas grill. But to suggest that the only rational explanation for this was a pattern of deceit on my part is, excuse me, laughable at best. There are, after all, thousands if not millions of other possible reasons for this drop in consumption.

Let's explore some of them, shall we?

(1) I have become an Vegocan. That is, a "Vegan on occasion." Guy isn't the only smart one in his bloodline, you know. There's Jenny, about whom my opponent has written a number of entries earlier this year. Has my opponent considered that, after disclosing to him that I had easily obtained her phone number and after threatening to call said number, I actually DID SO? Indeed, after Guy's trip to the rural hippie hills of Northern California, I contacted Jenny in order to make trouble for my opponent. Whereupon Jenny, in her undeniable logic, pointed out the benefits of macrobiotics, slow food, and eschewing the toxins of meat. She spoke some powerful truths, I have to admit. Thus, after having been so warmly received by Jenny, and so patiently instructed in the ills of our mutual beef-eating enterprise, I have decided to implement elements of her lifestyle into my own. I have attempted to become a Vegan. But, as my opponent knows well, the odor of freshly-cooked meat - while cloying to some - unlocks a primal urge in us that must be fulfilled. In turn, while I try and try and try my best to continue my newfound Vegan lifestyle, the beef keeps pulling me back, at least some of the time. Therefore, I am a Vegocan. Guy, please don't hold it against me.

(2) Soon after I bought my Weber Genesis Silver gas grill, I was busy cooking meat on this masterpiece in cooking technology. It is, after all, an amazing invention. As you know, it rests on a series of flagstones in my backyard. What I didn't realize, when loading up so many burgers onto the front portion of the grill, was that the whole assembly was precariously balanced on the flagstones below. So, it was with sheer horror that, while flipping one particularly heavy burger patty, I felt the grill fall backwards. Simultaneously, the flagstone underneath my feet flipped up in the air, and my feet left the ground. Within the space of a seond, the entire assebly crashed into the side of my deck, I fell forward, and landed face-first into the hottest portion of the grill. My hair caught on fire and, in my outright pain-induced terror, I ran down the alley waving arms about and shrieking at the top of my smoke-choked lungs. I was found huddled in a neighbor's kiddie pool hours later, in a state of shock, and was immediately rushed to the emergency room. I am now fully recovered but, unfortunately, beef wasn't on my menu for those days I spent feeding from a tube in the hospital. Can you blame me?

(3) I have colon cancer.

(4) My opponent didn't know this but, around the same time that I first threw down the gauntlet to eat more beef in 2004 and thus initiated the series of blunders that would lead to BeefStakes, I had contacted another friend, Sammy, and made essentially the same boastful claim about clams. In an email to Sammy, I noted that my New Year's Resolution was to "eat more quahogs". This East-Coast species of clams is particularly delicious and, as we all know, recently decimated by the waves of listeria and algae blooms that have afflicted the shallow inlets and waterways of the Middle Atlantic states. As a Delawarean who vacationed every summer at the shores of the Delmarva penninsula, I grew up extolling the virtues of steamed clams, fried clams (seriously, who hasn't indulged in a HoJos or Long John Silver's clam platter?), clam chowder (both New England and Manhattan), clam fritters, and various clam sauces. I told Sammy that this may be our last opportunity to eat quahogs, as their population was on the brink of extinction. Sammy, equally sensitive to the possibility of a clam-less future, decided he would likewise vow to "eat more quahogs" in 2004. Thus began ClamBake 2004. But let me tell you, after spending so much energy in BeefStakes for the first 6 months of the year, I was so seriously trailing Sammy in total clam consumption that he was clearly certain to win. This could not be allowed to happen. After all, the Clam Crown was at stake. So, at the risk of falling further behind in BeefStakes, I decided in mid-July to take a break from beef for a short while. And let me tell you - grilled quahogs are delicious. You really ought to try it.

And the list goes on.

Quite frankly, any one of these possibilities, or a combination thereof, could have accounted for my decline in consumption in mid-July. And yet, although a brilliant logician, my opponent has come to the rather infantile conclusion that I am "withholding beef data" based on fallacious, reductive reasoning. Have prions finally eaten away at the center of his higher cognitive functions?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some catching up to do.

Posted by eric at September 12, 2004 01:13 PM