September 01, 2004
Spiritual Healing
It's not every day that I get a letter in the mail offering to remove magic spells that have been cast upon me. Not at least for a month, I'd say. So it was with some surprise that I opened a letter from a person claiming to be the representative of "Aman Sahib", an apparently venerated mystical healer in Chicago.
"All matters strictly confidential", I was assured by the glossy pamphlet carefully folded into the envelope. This was understandable and quite thoughtful, I concluded. Really, what recipient of this mystical healing process would want his problems broadcast to the world?
As to this business about magic spells, well, there were some quite specific references to such things in Aman Sahib's missive: "Has anybody cast a magic spell on your House or family business?" And again: "Do you feel that a magical spell has been cast on you ...?"
Indeed, Mr. Aman seemed to have a pretty good intuition into my problems.
Speaking of problems: "Do your problems remain unsolved inspite of trying anything." This must have been more of a statement than a question, as the sentence was punctuated by a period. But I understood what he was asking - or rather telling - me: I needed help.
How do I know this? Because of his most plaintive question/statement:
"Do you crave to get anything."
Now HOW did he know about that? How could he possibly have known about my incessant cravings for beef in all forms: jerky, dried, salt-cured, stewed, shish-kabobed, pattied, steaked, roasted, sausaged, "conie"d, shredded, fried, stuffed, marinated, minced, tartare, etc. Truly, this was a gifted, miraculous healer.
Perhaps I might consult this Aman Sahib. I figure it's the least I could do after he went to the trouble of locating my mailing address (how he did this, of course, is another great mystery). Perhaps he - of all people - can help me figure out why I love the stuff that is beef. How I can get more. How I can win BeefStakes, even. Miracles do happen, you know.
Then again, who needs miracles when you've got a freezer full of meat?
Seems to me you're gonna need a miracle if you really want to eat all that meat by the time the year is out. Remember, you don't want to go popping your fundoplication, now do you?
Posted by: guy at September 1, 2004 10:41 AMFiddlesticks.
Posted by: Eric at September 1, 2004 01:43 PM"Do you love those who don't love you?" How did he know it?
Posted by: guy at September 1, 2004 02:03 PMYes, he definitely had that pegged: after all of my emotional investment in you, I am in turn confronted with subterfuge, espionage and attempts at character assassination. No matter. The beef will keep me buoyed.
And by the way, it's very good beef.
Posted by: Eric at September 1, 2004 02:25 PMsubterfuge? espionage? and you accuse me of character assassination? where's your proof?
Posted by: guy at September 1, 2004 06:01 PMDo you wish to escalate? I'll gladly oblige.
Posted by: Eric at September 1, 2004 06:12 PMgo on then. lets see what youve got.
Posted by: guy at September 2, 2004 02:53 AMConsider it done. I'll provide an explanation early next week. The case against you is rather large, so it will take time.
Posted by: Eric at September 2, 2004 09:08 AMI can't wait. But remember: you may have accusations; I have photographs.
Posted by: guy at September 2, 2004 12:34 PMOh no, don't tell me you're going to pull out more cut-n-paste pornography again! I will not be silenced by threats and intimidation!
Seriously, you'll just have to wait. The length and breadth of your deceit is so staggering that I've hired an intern to assist me in the data collection.
Posted by: Eric at September 2, 2004 12:49 PM