The Cow And I

Bloody Inconclusive

A seldom-discussed fact about BeefStakes is that the contest is theoretically open to all comers, not just me and my opponent (for more information, refer to the official BeefStakes FAQs). So, it was with some relief today that I learned Former President William Jefferson ("Bill") Clinton checked himself into a New York hospital for heart bypass surgery. Clinton would indeed have been a formidable opponent, given his frequently lampooned pit-stops at McDonalds during his altogether too infrequent morning jogs. That man can eat. Gluttonously. Presidentially, even.

Whew. Even though I wish him a speedy recovery, that's one less beef-eating juggernaut to worry about, wouldn't you say?

But while the Former President has taken himself out of the running for health reasons, this Future King worries about the health of those who remain in the race.

I am referring, of course, to my concern over Guy's dubious revelation that he has been given a "clean bill of health."

Unlike my thorough and comprehensive lab results reported months ago, Guy's "clean bill of health" consists of a scrap of paper resembling a receipt for an oil change, annotated with the cryptic number 4.85; a hole-ridden story of his visit to a free clinic for a blood test; and his professed recollection that the cryptic number 4.85 somehow signified a normal level of cholesterol in his bloodstream. Sounds more like he filled his car up with 4.85 liters of gasoline, I'd say.

I'll spare you the multitude of reasons this revelation is inconclusive at best, possibly fraudulent at worst, given the simple fact that my opinion doesn't matter. That's right, I refer to a higher power for guidance. Our Wise Judge, Max, has spoken.

Recognizing that my opponent's assurance of good health was completely without merit, Wise Max has issued a decree earlier today that Guy, upon his return to the States, shall submit to a full blood work-up including comprehensive cholesterol screening and kidney enzymes. In other words, a regular, bona fide blood test.

Guy speaks of bloody vindication. Hardly.

As I know this must make my opponent's blood boil, further endangering his possibly tenuous cardiac and renal health, I would urge him to focus on his breathing technique, imagine the soft sounds of a waterfall deep in a tranquil pine forest, or maybe just mix a few powdered valiums into his ever-present marmite spread. Any over-stimulation could result in serious injury or death.

Indeed, the diseases of the kidney and heart are no laughing matter. They are grave concerns, particularly among individuals with a genetic heritage of hypertension, cardiac arrest and renal failure. People with family history of such problems should be vigilant in prevention and detection of the signs of illness. Shouldn't these concerns give Guy pause? By all means they should. But the threat of illness doesn't seem to faze him at all. I don't understand it.

My dear opponent, why do you insist on hiding from reality?

After all of my heart-felt words of caution, my opponent has suggested that my outpouring of brotherly concern for his good health has been "More shrill than the lovechild of Bette Midler and Alvin the Chipmonk. Louder than the Who when Keith Moon was around. More annoying than rectal eczema." I respectfully disagree. Guy, as a dear friend looking out for your health, well-being and longevity, I've tried and tried and - sadly - failed to get your attention Perhaps I haven't been loud enough.

But we're past that now, aren't we? No need for me to raise my voice, no need to sound the alarm. Because when Max speaks, you'll have to listen.

Posted by eric at September 3, 2004 11:46 PM