August 01, 2004
May the Beef be with you
Star Wars nerds have alway left a bad taste in my mouth. The way they obsess and obsess and obsess about their passion in life: Princess Leia, Anakin Skywalker, C3PO, blah blah blah. To express their devotion to the series, they don Darth Vader masks, they fiercely brandish fake light-sabers and - in the most outrageous of acts - they even convince their mothers to knit them a Star Wars scarf. It's enough to make me vomit blood.
And so my stomach turned again this week when, to great fanfare at the Annual Star Wars Convention, George Lucas' proxy announced the title of the final, yes (thank God) final Star Wars movie: Revenge of the Sith. Whatever the hell that means. Well, it obviously meant something to the fans, because the news whipped them into an ecstatic frenzy.
Yes, they'll be discussing it for months, logging in countless hours in the various online Star Wars chat rooms, obsessing about the sociological significance of the Sith, gibbering about the geo-political metaphor of the Federation, and slobbering over fanzine pictures of Natalie Portman's boobies in her low-cut gown.
But what will they do when it's all over?
This decades-long fixation, and its rapidly approaching denouement, reminds me, eerily, of my opponent's approach to BeefStakes. He's getting oddly, overly focused on the beef. It's not just food anymore. For Guy, it's become a mantra: "where's the beef?", "hey, where's the beef?", and "so, where's the beef?" I can almost picture his eyes glazing over as he stares at it, jaws agape and stubby hands twitching.
And yet, in a strange parallel to Star Wars, this contest will also be drawing to a close in a few short months. This frightens me, for the undeniable fact that BeefStakes has become my dear friend's life. Like the Force, it has transformed him. I hardly recognize him these days.
So I ask you, how will my opponent cope when BeefStakes is done, when Max finally demands that we step away from the beef?
Frankly, when Guy hears the news, Max had better keep his light-saber on hand. Things could get ugly.
Posted by eric at August 1, 2004 02:16 AMIf you're ashamed to demonstrate what sort of food you've been eating, please don't feel as though you need to go through this charade of posting meaningless tripe. In fact, if you're ashamed, or weary, of BeefStakes as a whole, I urge you to desist in it as well. Because yes, we fanatics wear our beef (or wookie oufits as the case may be) right out there on our sleeves. It's not hard to see why: just look at me... I don't know if that's a lamp or a hookah next to me, but it seems to be full of fetal remains. Sweet. And with a tongue -- and tail -- like mine, what lady wouldn't want to know me, what man wouldn't want to be me? What's more, my punkah-wallah functions both as a fan and as a night-light! Ingenious! It's a charmed life you present.
But seriously, two pieces of advice: 1. there are lots of photoshop books and tutorials out there; and 2. if star wars fans leave a bad taste in your mouth, maybe you shouldn't be opening it so readily for them to enter. Or even, perhaps, at all.
Posted by: guy at August 1, 2004 03:45 AM