The Cow And I

Dear Guy: You are So Screwed

That’s right, bent-over, pants-around-the-ankles screwed. When driving off the Home Depot lot last Saturday with a brand-new, fully-assembled Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill, that’s when I realized the rules have changed in BeefStakes. We will no longer be running neck-and-neck in this race. Thanks to my Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill, I will be lapping your ass around the track, which is a metaphor for your imminent screwing, by me.

What? You don’t understand? Allow me to explain. My brand-new, fully-assembled Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill functions as a virtual meat-cooking machine. That’s its job. How do I know this? Because engineers made it. They made sure, through vigorous product-testing, that the Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill, once fully assembled, would be capable of delivering, over and over and over, massive meat-cooking capacity. Which, in turn, delivers to me, over and over and over, a massive ass-whupping capacity. In other words, my dear opponent, you should hereby consider yourself good and screwed.

What’s that? You don’t believe me? Well, let’s give the Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill an opportunity to speak for itself. With its aluminum castings and porcelain-enameled hood, the Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill can withstand the toughest of outdoor elements. I can rest easy knowing that the porcelain-enameled cooking grates, the surface on which my meat will be cooked day-in and day-out, will not rust for years (in fact, long, long after BeefStakes, and my reign as Beef King, are over). The Flavorizer Bars resting on top of the burners prevent grease build-up on the burners themselves, and also provide an excellent source of smoke with which to tenderize and flavorize the massive quantities of meat that will be continually cooking in my Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill. Excellent fodder for a proper, old-fashioned screwing, I must say. And finally, the 3 independently firing burners, in simultaneous operation, can accommodate literally dozens of pounds of meat at a time, giving me, in turn, an enormous advantage over you. Indeed, thanks to my brand-new, fully-assembled Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill, my only limitation now is any slackening of appetite that might occur after ingesting the massive quantities of beef that will soon be sizzling on the red-hot rack of my Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill. Wait, did I forget to mention that you are so screwed?

Pardon? You say you want a second opinion? Glad to oblige. Here’s one. Notes Samina Waggoner of Evanston, IL: “That’s one big Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill. A lot of grilling power. I should think your opponent will have trouble competing with that.”

OK, OK, I admit, that’s what she would say, isn’t it, she’s my wife after all. So I asked the Home Depot cashier his opinion as well, after explaining why I bought my Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill. He certainly had no doubts about the advantages that the Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill conferred: “Man, sounds like you got his ass whomped good, if you don’t mind me saying so.” No sir, I do not mind you saying so.

Come again? Vendor-bias? OK, then, how about a completely independent, objective bystander? Fortunately, I was able to locate one for the occasion. Says Mr. R. Anthony of Evanston, IL, “I have to say that there’s no way he can compete with that new Weber Genesis Silver B gas grill of yours. He may as well throw in the towel, because he’s so screwed.”

Thank you, Mr. Anthony, for clearing that up.

Posted by eric at July 16, 2004 04:40 PM