The Cow And I

Bloody Worried

I am deeply concerned about my opponent.

You see, I’ve had a little trouble with my digestive processes over the past week. This time spent eating less beef than usual has given me food for thought, an opportunity to reflect on my opponent’s well-being. He is, after all, my dear friend, he’s the only one like him and, in the course of BeefStakes, if he wrecks his body, without some attempt to intervene on my part, I would never forgive myself.

So I reiterate: I am deeply concerned about my opponent. Allow me to explain.

Months ago, our Judge decreed that each would receive a cholesterol and kidney enzyme analysis by a physician to verify that each was in a state of good health. The very next day, having no qualms that I would show any danger signs, I scheduled a doctor visit. My blood work was completed less than 2 weeks later. As I expected, the results were normal:

My opponent, however, has languished in complying with Max’s Judicial Order, no doubt fearing the worst.

And perhaps with good reason. After all, my opponent has noted on several occasions that he has a family history of heart disease. His exceeding care in shielding his family from the knowledge of BeefStakes is a reflection of this history: If his mother knew of Guy’s excessive beef consumption, her cholesterol-induced angina would probably flare up from the anxiety. If his father knew, he would probably have a heart attack on the spot. They would most likely have him committed to an adult-care psychiatric institution as well. Frankly, how could they not conclude that a man with his genetic predisposition, engaged in a monumental year-long struggle to eat beef, is surely sick in the head.

Yes, I am deeply concerned about my opponent.

For his safety, and for the continued well-being of his family, I urge him to visit the doctor. You say he’s stuck in Scotland? They don’t have doctors there, do they? Well, I checked with my doctor wife, and she confirmed that Scotland has a few doctors too. Even in Ullapool. And Guy, despite his impoverished existence, and despite his lack of health-care coverage in Scotland, could probably scrounge up enough money from various sources to pay for the blood analysis, even if it meant selling some of his own blood to pay for it. If he needs a little extra cash, I’ll see what I can do.

After all, it’s simply a matter of time. BeefStakes will be over in less than 6 months. How long does he have?

Posted by eric at July 28, 2004 09:38 AM