The Cow And I

Let's Beef

Remember the Smurfs? Those adorable blue creatures doing their best to survive the evil plotting of Gargamel and Azrael? Well, I didn’t find them so adorable. Particularly their language. Holophrastic. Monotonous. Maddeningly ambiguous. What the hell does “You smurfed my smurf” mean, anyway?

Imagine a world in which people had developed a similar linguistic impediment, where this galling gibberish permeated every conversation, in every context, from shopping at the grocery store to getting a haircut. Even if the operative word was “Beef”, which I and my opponent find one of God’s most perfect creations, would this new world be any less intolerable? Would people feel no less inclined to drive carpenter nails into their own brains?

You decide.

Asking for Directions: “Say, I’m beefed. Can you tell me how to get to beef?” “Yeah, take the first beef, follow the beef until the beef splits into beef and beef, and then merge to the beef. After three beefs, turn beef and you’re there.” “Wait – merge with the beef and then after 3 beefs turn beef?” “No, merge with the beef, not the beef.” “Huh?”

Art Criticism: “Now this beef is quite beefy. See how the beef interplays with the beef, to create a certain beef – never before has a beef beefed a beef that has such an effect on beef. One has to beef whether the beef intended a sort of beef that beefed beef, rather than the archetypical beef. After this beef’s beefing, the beef is certainly beef in beef.”

Building Construction: “Hey, Larry, beef the beef on the beef. When you beef it, I’ll say beef.” “OK, but watch the beef. It’s kinda beefy.” “That’s all right, Joe did a beef on it yesterday, and it beefs beef. So just beef it over here.” “You got it.”

In the Bedroom: “Oh, you beef. Beef me, you beefing beef. Beef me good.” “I’ll beef you right in the beef. Until you can’t beef out of your beef anymore. How does this beef?” “Ooh, beef.” “Let me beef it. Beef. Beef.” “Oooh, beef me, beef me, beef me, beef, beef, beef Beef, BEEF!” “Ah, beef.” “Ooh, beef.”

Kinda puts our contest in perspective, doesn’t it?

Posted by eric at April 2, 2004 12:18 PM