The Cow And I

Beefy

In January, my opponent was relatively skinny. In fact, given his very active lifestyle, for weeks after the official onset of BeefStakes he was able to keep the weight off. As recently as March, he retained his attractive, svelte figure:

But as we approach our years of decline, we all experience a decrease in metabolism. Maintaining a slim physique becomes harder and harder. So although I was disappointed, I can’t say I was surprised to note in March that my opponent is now facing the inevitable. From his underwater photo, it appears he is having trouble stuffing his body into a heretofore loose-fitting swim suit. I would likewise not be surprised if he had a few (unreported) close calls with a Great White or two that mistook his bulging frame for that of a fish-fattened seal.

Once we experience this change, it often accelerates, in some cases alarmingly so, particularly when we don’t modify our diet. In Guy’s case, he has modified his diet, but in the wrong direction. By increasing his daily caloric intake, Guy has actually increased his girth over the past few weeks. This does not bode well for his wardrobe, nor his prospects for a mid-life underwear modeling career. But more importantly, I worry that this life change will prevent my opponent from finishing out the year in BeefStakes. My victory will only be sweet if he’s there to see it, and only then if he can see it clearly from behind what might possibly be a mountain of flesh covering his once slender face.

Yes, beefy is beautiful, but I still worry. In a shot apparently taken at an internet café in Queensland, my opponent has perhaps really begun to feel the effects of weight gain. As he types away at his blog, he might be finding the keys on the computer a little harder to hit. He might be finding the spacious seating in the café a little more cramped. He might even be noticing that the curious stares of his Australian hosts are just a little more pitying. And I wonder if he’s noticed these things, and realized their long-term implications. I doubt it. He’s too busy stuffing beef into his ever-expanding pie hole.

Posted by eric at April 20, 2004 01:52 PM