March 08, 2004
Supersize It
In response to growing concerns that its products are helping create an obese nation, McDonalds recently announced that, in the United States, it will be dropping its "Supersize" menu.
I pledge my support to you, O Noble Golden Arches, you steadfast crusader for health and well-being.
After all, it is nearly impossible for us to take personal responsibility to what we eat. It's awfully convenient to stop by and grab a quick bite from McDonalds when it takes so long to cook these days. I mean, to make a home-cooked meal, one not only has to buy the ingredients at the grocery store, but also bring said ingredients home, take them out of their containers or packages, in some cases wash them, and then add them all together in extremely complex proportions to make a meal. In the most exasperating examples of this ordeal, it is even necessary to follow some kind of detailed instructions, like the precise steps of a chemistry experiment. This "recipe" may often add full minutes to the altogether mind-boggling exercise that is cooking.
Faced with this massive burden, it's no wonder that most people would rather go hungry. Fast food has stepped in to valiantly fill that void. But in doing so, it has highlighted the most grave human weakness: our complete inability to control our eating habits.
And so, as McDonalds scales back its menu, it does what we cannot do for ourselves: impose an appropriate standard of care in monitoring and regulating our diet. Fight the good fight, dear Grimace!
I felt a pang of guilt today as I ordered not one, but two double cheeseburgers. (7.5 oz combined, 553.8 total).
How would the ever-attentive Hamburglar see me now, wolfing down a full 900 calories of meat, bread, cheese and condiments? I am ashamed.
And yet, my guilt dissipates as I realize I am not responsible. I am a victim here, one of the many enslaved by the desire for more. If I see it, I eat it. In supersizing our portions, we express our helplessness against the ravages of that dread monster Appetite.
Dear Ronald, as you implement your life-saving policy change, I salute you! In your noble sacrifice, you have unburdened us from our self-imposed shackles of overconsumption. Thank you for saving us from our greatest enemy: ourselves. We couldn't have done it without you.
