March 03, 2004
I Was Robbed!
I was robbed today.
It all started when I began my boycott of Laura's Lean Beef (TM), in protest of their affrontery in eschewing a potentially lucrative endorsement deal with me. Imagine. A loyal customer who, in only two months, has consumed over 25 lbs of their precious, low-fat products. One cannot ignore that kind of publicity. And yet they did.
So, my love affair with Laura's Lean Beef (TM) at a temporary impasse, I strolled down the meat aisle to the slightly less snobbish meats. I settled on a "Certified Angus Beef" sirloin. Whoo Hoo, that sounds impressive, I thought. The Angus is a solid, healthy breed. So much so that a lot of milk-fed, strapping boys in Scotland are named after this majestic animal.
My enthusiams stoked for meat, I bought it. I took it home, planning to grill it immediately. I took it out of its cellophane wrap. While I reached in to pull the 1lb+ cut out of its styrofoam cradle, I admired its deep, slightly marbled ruby hues. This would make a fine dinner, I thought.
But when I turned it over to season its underside, I realized my grave error. The whole thing was a clump of fat and grisle. The devious mis-marketers at "Certified Angus" had tricked me. This would make one chewy hell of a meal, I imagined, as I finished off the steak in the pan and prepared to sit down with it:
I didn't even finish the quivering pile. After my valiant attempts to choke it all down, given my fervent belief that BeefStakes requires my very best, I was still left with an awful mess (10.5 oz minus 0.7 oz dregs = 9.8 oz, 489.5 total). Bits of greasy fat and half-chewed gristle remained:
I was robbed. Those bastards.
These lessons teach us who really cares about us, and who is only in it for the money. And so, I have come full circle. What does this experience tell me? I feel that, in the end, despite her aloofness, I can still trust Laura. She, and her luscious beef, still hold my heart in their collective grasp.
Honey, I'm back.
Posted by eric at March 3, 2004 07:34 PM