The Cow And I

I Vote for Beef!

The Illinois Democratic Primary, held today, saw a bigger voter turnout than usual. And it’s no surprise, with so many races up for grabs and control of the US Senate hanging in the balance. Ideology, as always, played a big role in this primary, as various candidates espoused radically different points of view on important issues of the day. And these issues, among them affordable healthcare, the future of social security, reproductive rights, American foreign policy, civil liberties, are indeed very important to me.

But this election represents so much more than all of those things. You see, America stands at a nutritional crossroads. We can go down one path or another, either toward a future of safe meat, or an increasingly toxic food supply. Each candidate’s views on such matters is crucial and I, for one, looked very closely at their record for clues about their meat philosophy. And so, when the polls opened at 7am, my candidate slate in hand, I eagerly cast my ballot. My choices, based on painstaking research, were clear. This primary election, I vote for beef!

First, the hard choices: Circuit Judges. This crowd is always tough for me, as the candidates get so little press, and the various bar association endorsements are not particularly substantive. Seriously, what does a “competent” rating mean, anyway? Particularly as it relates to beef? So, when in doubt about a particular race, I usually opted for the female candidate, as women tend to take fewer risks in consuming food (at least in my family). How many of them, for example, have ever competed in a hot-dog-eating contest? Such foolishness seems largely confined to the province of men. OK, one of my chosen candidates passed out free coffee at the train station yesterday. But I was going to vote for her anyway.

The State Representative race was an easy choice. The Democratic incumbent, Julie Hamos, ran unopposed. What made my choice even easier was that, in 2001, Julie had voted in support of the “Halal Food Act”, Public Act 92-0394. Any candidate who supports safe food labeling, particularly Islamic safe food labeling, has my vote.

Barack Obama, running for US Senate, had also voted in favor of the Halal Food Act while serving in the State Senate. His dedication to beef is clear. A South Side resident, he is also in touch with food safety issues on a more personal basis than his opponents due to the overwhelming presence of discount meat stores near his Hyde Park neighborhood, such as the horrific “Piggly Wiggly” and the equally repulsive “Moo and Oink”. This man surely knows from bad beef.

In the Presidential Primary, John Kerry was my choice for 2004. Kerry touts a national tracking system for cattle, an increase in testing for BSE and financial assistance for farmers who would suffer from the discovery of infected cattle. The august statesman from Massachusetts notes that “the current mad cow investigation underscores the urgent need for a national system to make diseased livestock easier to track and contain.” I haven’t heard any similar pronouncements from his presumptive Republican rival in November.

My fellow Americans, what’s really important to us? Is it tax reform, healthcare, the job recovery? Or is it something more basic, like the food we eat? Ask a child about social security privatization when he’s been starved of meat for days on end. Don’t try to imagine it; it’s just too frightening.

Vote for Beef in November.

Posted by eric at March 16, 2004 11:54 PM