February 28, 2004
Shhh! It's a Secret!
Or, more precisely, a secret weapon. This idea has been percolating in the recesses of my mind for the past few days. Necessity is truly the mother of invention, in my case: Guy is beating the tar out of me. So, I needed some kind of advantage. My first idea - some kind of sponsorship from Laura's Lean Beef (TM) - has obviously not panned out. I will still continue to faithfully eat her delicious and healthy products. But I have something even bigger planned now.
It came to me as I was eating little finger sandwiches at a baby shower today. Little spiced beef snacks that, when consumed again and again and again, add up to an actual meal (6 ounces which, along with 7.5 oz of leftover sirloin this morning, brings my official total, according to Max's new counter, to about 430 oz). I really could've done without the bread, but that would have looked wasteful in front of all of those cooing women. Besides, nobody at the party (aside from Samina) knew my true purpose in eating so many of the sandwiches. The fact that everyone was oblivious made it all the more surprising when the person with whom I was speaking gave me the idea without even knowing it. Thank you, Jay. May your inspiration be rewarded some day during my reign atop Beef Mountain.
So, what's my new secret weapon?
I'm not telling my competitor, that's for sure, until it's unveiled. I will tell Max, our Judge, as soon as I'm able. I trust Max will not reveal the secret to Guy. Allow me to emote: I feel positively giddy right now.
I have to admit, this thing is going to take time, and a considerable amount of effort on my part, to come into being. All master plans do. I expect it will be another 2 months. But if this weapon is brought to fruition by early May, I will have a full 8 months to utilize it. We'll just see how that levels the playing field.
My opponent doesn't abide withheld information very well. I tortured him for half a decade with my grandpa's cryptic (and entirely fabricated) saying: "A dog in every bucket makes a bigger hole for the cheese dish." That one nearly drove Guy crazy.
He ain't seen nothin yet.
Posted by eric at February 28, 2004 09:15 PMLeave it to you to make a pig (or in this case a cow) out of yourself at a respectable baby shower.
Whatever your revelation is, as long as Max (praised be his name) okays it, I don't care.
But in the meanwhile, let's see you getting to work on reworking all the gravy back out of your numbers as you promised you would do.
Water. Phooey.
Posted by: Guy at February 29, 2004 03:02 AMI'd like to point out that your secret weapon seems to be a dairy cow. I'm assuming dairy products don't count. Have you found some cheap beef source from downed cows?
Posted by: Sarah at February 29, 2004 03:15 AMIf you buy a share of a cow (dairy or not), I want to videotape you slaughtering it.
Posted by: Guy at February 29, 2004 03:33 AMI figured it out. You've learned that the densest part of the cow is actually the pineal gland, which is used in cosmetics. So you're arranging with maybelline at this very moment to send over a truckload of lipsticks, blue eyeshadow and rouge, for your consumption on prime time tv under the marquee "The Stupidest Show You Ever Saw".
Clever. You went to college, didn't you?
Posted by: Guy at February 29, 2004 05:56 AMMy opponent has fired a barrage of quite amusing barbs at me upon my revelation. I'm certainly not surprised. This is, in fact, what I expected. There is a new, palpable scent of fear in the air, and I could smell it coming from a long way off, drifting in from across the ocean. I am happy that he is safely ensconced in the bosom of matrimony, as this would surely be a horrible burden to bear alone. So, thank you Sarah, for being there.
Regarding their comments:
Downed cows are an intriguing idea. And yes, that would be a cheap source of beef. But I will not be tempted by prion consumption, whatever the short-term advantages may be.
If I were to engage in the slaughter of an animal, it would take place in a sacred fashion, in the traditional manner, Zabiyha. Videotaping would probably not be appropriate for such a hypothetical exercise. And certainly not by an infidel.
My opponent's lipstick idea is especially intriguing. But that would arguably be an expensive, and gut-wrenching experience, unless I were to find beef-flavored, expired cosmetics in a dumpster.
I suspect that, with enough futile guessing from my opponent over the next 2 months, he is likely to unsuspectingly nail it. But, when that does happen, I won't let on. After all, half of the advantage is the element of anxiety it has so clearly begun to produce.
I am quite pleased that my opponent has taken an interest in my plan.
And finally, as per my earlier assertion, I will take a look at my earlier entries to ascertain the extent to which they should be shaved down. This amount is likely, however, to be somewhat small, as the vast majority of cuts I have consumed these last two months have been pan-fried steaks.
Posted by: Eric at February 29, 2004 10:18 AMHey, Like I said, if Max approves it, it doesn't bother me at all. There is no shortcut. Eating a pound of meat is eating a pound of meat. If you want to beat me, you have to swallow mass. That's all. There is no trick to it but determination.
Posted by: Guy at March 1, 2004 01:48 AMIn the interests of keeping this weapon of mass consumption (WMC) discussion going (which is highly amusing), I will entertain guesses from you. For every guess that is either, in my opinion, reflective of reality or so funny that it doesn't matter, I will give you one more little hint about the weapon. If, that is, you can take that kind of stress in your life right now.
Posted by: Eric at March 1, 2004 09:58 AM