The Cow And I

Allow me to introduce myself

Let me begin by noting that this beef blog of mine... well, it isn't, really. My Worthy Opponent has so generously set it up for me. He retains author rights. He retains access, if he wishes, to my unpublished entries. He, in fact, may destroy this site and its contents at will if he so chooses. So, in writing my blogs, I will bear in mind the presumed limits to his beneficence. And hope that my content doesn't offend this powerful internet deity, such as he is.

Now, to the question that has so burned in his mind for the past few days. How much have I consumed? Quite a bit, by my own standards. In fact, a steady diet of beef, beef, Beef! And yet my standards are somewhat more modest then his. Indeed, while he snorted, with no apparent nausea, an entire half-pound package of raw ground beef, I satiated myself with a cup of beef broth. While he gorged at the trough of Chinese Stir Fry, by the gallon, I loosened my belt after a nip of jerky. And as he unhinged his mighty jaws gulping down a dumpster full of steak-n-kidney pies, I dabbed my napkin after a hearty hot dog.

What hope, then, do I have of defeating this human train wreck of beef consumption? I look to the heavens, and there is no answer. I look to my friends and colleagues, here in Chicago, and they turn away. No one gives me comfort in my hour of need. Not a bit of encouragement. No one really believes I can upset my Worthy Opponent's record of stomach-churning excess. Perhaps they're right. But I think maybe, just maybe, I might outlast this gustatory greedy guts through slow, steady intake. One thin slice of beef at a time.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. 265 ounces (7513 grams, give or take). So, you see, Guy, you're WAY ahead of me. Time to take that long nap along the side of the road.

Posted by eric at February 16, 2004 12:46 AM